HOLY CRUD... Literally

"Crud" because i'm leaving this blog. "Holy" because God is making me do it. for a while now i have been thinking about how i was wasting too much time, and the other night i got the proverbial "slap upside the head", realizing that most of the time that i wasted was on the internet. after that i decided to drop all my blogs and forums, but i realized: all that is really left after that is e-mail. and i don't really NEED to use my email.

so i have decided to sever my ties with the internet altogether. thats right, no forums, no blogs, no chess, no e-mail, no nothin'. and i'll end up with a BUNCH of time i had no idea existed...

If you have ever considered getting off the internet, DO IT! its going to be AWESOME!

cheers!

-Charlie

Of Colton the Great, and his Covert Opperations

Hello, i'm Charlie Q with channel 9 Toe Witness News, here to inform you that our dearly beloved Colton (AardvarkManiac) is away on a top secret mission. Thusly, he will not be able to post or be active here until his mission is completed. The good news is that i'll be here to meet all your insanity needs. *yay!*

I cannot tell you what this top secret assignment is all about, unfortunately. i was told specifically that i was NOT allowed to inform you that Colton is at the North Pole, and i'm also Not allowed to tell you that he is stealing the secrets of Flying Reindeer Technology.

Thanks for watching channel 9 Toe Witness News, i'm Charlie Q, and i'll be keeping you up to date on this developing story.

so we have before us two questions. questions that need answering.

Ponderer posed this one: "If octopus pluralized is actually octopodes, then is platypus pluralized actually platypodes? And does this mean there's a bunch of poor confused platyp(-uses, -i, -odes) out there?"

well, ponderer, your question really strikes a heart-string with me and colton. you see when we were infants, me and colton were raised by a platypus colony. to be honest, rather than platypodes or any of those you suggested, they prefer the term platypusinators. and they think the word platypus is singularly offensive. they prefer, platypusinator. but they understand cultural differences, so they won't hassle you if you get it wrong. but you will probably be accepted as one of their own if you walk up to one and call him, the Great Magnificent Platypusinator! unless it is in fact a female platypus, in which case you're toast. you have to call them Magnificent Queen Platypusinator. i hope that clears things up.

Amber (who i'm not precisely sure who this is but i have a hunch its AJ, correct me if i'm wrong) asked us: "I was at the dentist today, and and wondering why the friendly hygienists always seem to ask you questions and try to make conversation with you as they are sticking pointy objects in your mouth, under your tongue, and halfway down your throat."

well, its simple, Bill Cosby gave us the answer in his dentist routine, they do this so that they can laugh at you. i mean, its the highlight of their day. the only other thing they do is stick pointy objects in your mouth...

-Charlie

so, i have started a metal christmas carol. and i want help finishing it. so just give your thoughts, lines, versus for the song, and we'll try to make this happen.

"Dragons pulling Santa's sleigh
Bursting flames of red and green
Upon their backs a mighty sheen
Christmas eve the final day

SLEIGH BELLS RING!!!
DRAGONS SING!!!!
Santa cracks the emrald whip

TIME TO GO!!!!!
MELT THE SNOW!!!!
Dragons pull the yule tide ship"

The Hokey-Pokey and Scrumdiddlyumptious Bars

It seems as though the Hokey-Pokey is ahead in our poll... Apparently the Hokey-Pokey is critical to mankind. Why? I'll never know. I haven't done that dance since... Last month.

In other news, there appears to be some confusion as to the identities of the two bloggers that post on this... Blog. I will clear this up momentarily. Right after I do the Hokey-Pokey.

...

Back, and what a workout! It strengthens your core, and builds endurance... I truly see the importance of the Hokey-Pokey!

As for our identities, I will not go into detail. However, I will say that I, AardvarkManiac, am Colton, and Charlie is obviously Charlie, but sometimes goes by Quincy. No, he does not have a Golden Ticket. Stop asking.

~Colton

On Comments, Appreciated

So, i was just sitting here noticing how people don't comment much. not like this bothers me or anything. i don't sit here 16 hours a day waiting for your responses, haha... just 15 hours...

no, but seriously now, comments are not required, but they are always appreciated. in fact, your comments are treasured. Colton and I savor every word you write, and place them lovingly in a glass bottle and mingle them with our tears....

-charlie

Pies

I have never given much thought to pies. i'm not a big fan of pies. i mean, sure, pies come in all different flavors and all different, um... levels of yucky. of course, i don't want to infuriate the pie people, once you do that, you're bound to lose half your fanbase...

but seriously now, pies are a big part of the holiday season. what would thanksgiving be without a healthy dose of pure evil- oops, i mean pumpkin pie.

and how can anyone resist the wonderful assortment of pies. that's where real "pie charm" is seen, in "pie-diversity" there is no real "joy" in a pair of pumpkin pies. HOWEVER, if you see a pumpkin pie, a cherry pie and an apple pie, all sitting delightfully together, WELL, now there's a sure-fire way to get a major case of warm-fuzzies...

there truly are a plethora (big word, yay me!) of pie varieties, basically, you can pie anything if you just verb it. pumpkin pie, pecan pie, pineapple pie... truely astounding it is...

i must confess, i am not entirely repulsed by pies. chocolate mousse pie is absolutely unbelievably, amazingly, astoundingly...

good. yeah. tastes great. mmmm.. they have gramcracker crusts, chocolate pudding or whatever, and whpped topping on the top!

of course, where else can you put whipped topping? topping must go on top! unless of course you had a whole dessert comprised of toppings, then you could have toppings on the tops and middles and sides and bottoms and...

-charlie

Oh Dear Confusion

Oh Dear Confusion
How I love your wily ways
You serenade me with your haunting melodies
And entrance me with your graceful movements
Until I'm so deep in your waters
That I don't even realize it
I lash out at my surroundings
Hoping to regain my sense of balance
But I'm cursed to float aimlessly
In this sea
Of turmoil
Until I lose my breath
And I am overcome.

---

Snaps, anyone? Snaps for Colton?

(Sorry Charlie! Sometimes, when you're awake at 3:30, ((Who does that, by the way?!? 3:30? Am I mentally insane?? This blog would have me believe that I am...)) you get hit by inspiration. It was almost as real as a sack of cinder blocks. Except that if it was, I'd probably be unconscious on the floor of my room right now ((Who would even be able to lift that? A sack of cinder blocks? Really? Maybe I am insane...)) with severe bruising, and maybe even a broken bone or two... Anywho, I started adding on more to that poem, but it began to feel... Manufactured. It wasn't as real when I started trying to perfect it. ((Pronounced per - 'FECT. I wasn't trying to perfect it. Wow. That made next to no sense... GOOD.)) I decided to leave it rather raw, and written more or less the way I jotted it down the first time. I was going to add one more line, and punctuation, and...)

Wait. I just realized. You, the reader, don't care. At all. My sincerest apologies. If you read this far... Look at the side bar. See where it says "Knights of the Insane Table"? Yeah. You deserve to be right there. Because you're insane. And you just read my rant. And it wasn't even addressed to you. Good job. Click the link that says "Follow this blog" and become one of us. Conform. All your friends are doing it.

~Colton

Hey, guys we will probably get geared up in our normal posting schedule next week, so for now, we'll just post random stuff, and welcome the new Knights of the Insane Table (followers of the blog.) and we encourage you to spread the word to your friends and family, and people you randomly pass on the street. and today, i just want to leave this exerpt from dave barry that i stumbled upon.


Dave Barry-

"Probably the ultimate example of the fundamental guy drive to have neat stuff is the Space Shuttle. Granted, the guys in charge of this pro­gram claim it has a Higher Scientific Purpose, namely to see how humans function in space. But of course we have known for years how humans function in space: They float around and say things like: "Looks real good, Houston!"

No, the real reason for the existence of the Space Shuttle is that it is one humongous and spectacularly gizmo-intensive item of hardware. Guys can tinker with it practically forever, and occasionally even get it to work, and use it to place other complex mechanical items into orbit, where they almost immediately break, which provides a great excuse to send the Space Shuttle up again. It's Guy Heaven.

Other results of the guy need to have stuff are Star Wars, the rec­reational boating industry, monorails, nuclear weapons, and wristwatches that indicate the phase of the moon. I am not saying that women haven't been involved in the development or use of this stuff. I'm saying that, without guys, this stuff probably would not exist; just as, without women, virtually every piece of furniture in the world would still be in its original position. Guys do not have a basic need to rearrange furniture. Whereas a woman who could cheerfully use the same computer for fifty-three years will rearrange her furniture on almost a weekly basis, sometimes in the dead of night. She'll be sound asleep in bed, and suddenly, at 2 A.M., she'll be awakened by the urgent thought: The blue-green sofa needs to go perpendicular to the wall instead of parallel, and it needs to go there RIGHT NOW. SO she'll get up and move it, which of course necessitates moving other furniture, and soon she has rearranged her entire living room, shift­ing great big heavy pieces that ordinarily would require several burly men to lift, because there are few forces in Nature more powerful than a woman who needs to rearrange furniture."

Everyone, Everything, Everywhere, Everyhow.

Well, here we are, Charlie and Colton at the grand opening of the greatest weblog ever!!! It's like having our own coffee shop for people to hang out in, except it will be open 24-7!!! But, I guess there isn't any coffee… OH WAIT! There's some virtual coffee right behind your computer screen! Just break through the monitor to claim your cup today! (For a limited time only, not valid in conjunction with any other offer, not valid with espresso, cappuccino, macchiato, or anything that could possibly be labeled as "good". If you wish to make an exchange we can only give you something of lesser or much lesser value.)

Right, so anyways, I don't think that me and Colton have anything in common except that we have both been to earth once…

How then, you ask, did we come to start this website together? Well, I'll tell you. We were sitting around eating a caribou, when Colton says, "When we grow up, I guess we'll have to get one of those "job" thingies…" I said, "Yeah, I figure I'll be a rock star." And Colton says, "How? You can't play any instruments, and you can't sing to save your skinny white behind!" So I say, "yeah, that's true. BUT WAIT! I can play the Kazoo!!!" And here is where the wisdom of Colton shines through like the soft, delicate rays of sun gently pierce through the clouds of yesterday's miscalculated Mesopotamian smoke signals… he said: "We should stick with comedy."

So we arranged a tour of the greater America region ("greater" because it's better than the rest. j/k) and we scheduled a European tour back-to-back with it, and all the leaders of every nation were prepared to roll out their proverbial red carpets to us. But we called it off, we weren't sure our families could take the agony of our absence.

Thusly, we have decided to launch the greatest blog ever: Syphon of Insanity!!!

So, what makes this blog the best? All the cool kids are here. AAAAAND, we want participation! What we mean by this is that you can ask us questions, and we'll answer, you can suggest topics, and we will divulge our innermost thoughts on the subject. For instance, you can be like, "average rainfall in the Amazon basin" . And we'll be like -_- and proceed to write you our humorous and/or deep views upon the subject. So, if you want to get involved here by asking questions, giving feedback, etc, or just want to sit back and watch the fun, this site is for you! Everyone, everything, everywhere, everyhow!

Lastly, for this grand opening post, we will do a short "definition of terms." This is so you as a reader can be in on the lingo. For your convenience, we will keep a running list of words/symbols/phrases on the right-hand side of your screen. We'll start with the basics, and then move into the more obscure.

lol: Laugh Out Loud (this phase has been widely misinterpreted to mean "little old ladies" or "lots of love" )

brb: Be Right Back (not: bath-room-break)

ROLF!!!: literally= Rolling on the Laughing Floor, used in times of extreme exclamation. (Do not confuse with ROFL)

If you ever have a question about something we say, do not hesitate to ask. Just press the "assistance" button right next to the "eject without parachute" button. Thank you, and have a nice flight.

---

Now that Charlie has said his piece... His introductory claim... I, Colton, will add my two cents.

1 cent.

2 cents.

There. Now that that's over with, I'd just like to say... Welcome! There's not a whole lot more I can add to all the nourishing things that Charlie complimented you all with (And you'd better be very grateful... He cannot stand unappreciative ingrates. He might stalk you down and use bear-jutsu all over your face... And we wouldn't want that, would we?), except that, in my defense, I never said "You can't sing to save your skinny white behind," I said, "You can't sing to save your scrawny white behind." Very different.

Pip pip, toodle-oo, cheerio, wot wot, and all that jazz...

~Colton and Quincy