Friday, May 22, 2009

Pickle Pirates

As the title may suggest... I am starting a roving band of nomadic pickle pirates. (Wait, how does it suggest that at all...?)

Anywho, I need spots to be filled. Charlie will be my first mate, although we will not call him Charlie. And along those same lines, I will not be called Colton. We will need special, piratey, names. What really is a pickle pirate, you may ask? Well, let's clear that confusion up before it continues any longer...!

pick⋅le [pik-uhl]


1. a cucumber that has been preserved in brine, vinegar, or the like.

pi⋅rate [pahy-ruht]


a person who robs or commits illegal violence at sea or on the shores of the sea.


So, obviously, based on these definitions... We will be raiding pickle farms located near the sea and stealing all their pickles! Why, you ask? Hah! I scoff in the face of questions! I sneer at the inquisitive! I say, WHO NEEDS A REASON!

Who's with me?!

Monday, March 30, 2009

What Humans Do

2 years ago i would have said "i'll never be able to write song lyrics."

everything takes practice. the more you do it, the easier it will come.

people take easier to some things then others, but you can pretty much do anything if you have the passion and the patience.

of course you can have all the passion and patience in the world, but you'll never be able to catch an aquatic chicken...

so if you are feeling down, because you aren't good at something you wish you were good at, then just remember, as my good friend Josiah Olsen once sang, "Ice cream, and waterfalls / peanut-butter in my pocket!"

"there's no place like ice cream and waterfalls!"


Friday, March 20, 2009

Polar Expedition: ...Update!

I have returned, my brethren! My mission was a success! As I'm sure you're all well aware, I struck out in early to mid-December to find my way to the North Pole. While there, I helped Santa with some last minute preparations for his worldwide sleigh ride. Needless to say, much work was required, (and I was completely pooped!), but it was all worth it! Santa's operation went down without a hitch!

*Insert clap track #4 here*

Except for that incy weency incident above the African plains... What? No, I did press the "eject load" button on the main console back at the North Pole... Why would I go and do a thing like that...?

Shortly after I recuperated from the arduous task of downing as many cups of hot cocoa as I could... I mean, bossing around the elves, I decided, "Hey. If I'm going to go all out... I might as well go all out!"

With my new resolve, I made my way to the nearest pet store, bought 16 huskies, and started training for the Iditarod!

What? No, I'm not crazy. Just Insane. Do you want to hear the rest of the story or not? Ok, that's what I thought. Now sit down, and shut up. Thank you.


I've just now decided that I won't bore you with the details of "Me Vs. The Iditarod"... (Sounds like a book title... My autobiography, maybe?) Just realize that soon after setting out, I had HORRIBLE problems... And I gave up. Because I'm a quitter. What? Wait, no I'm not... But nevertheless, I quit. I sold all my dogs and beat a hasty retreat home. And here I am. Feeling like a complete and utter failure. Although... I guess I was pretty helpful with Santa and everything...


Friday, January 23, 2009

Mega Magnificent Music Mix-up Men

Hey guys! i obviously haven't been around, but i wanted you to know about my latest video project with some friends. we made some hilarious music videos that you can watch on youtube. just search mega magnificent music mix-up men!!! or go to my profile.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

HOLY CRUD... Literally

"Crud" because i'm leaving this blog. "Holy" because God is making me do it. for a while now i have been thinking about how i was wasting too much time, and the other night i got the proverbial "slap upside the head", realizing that most of the time that i wasted was on the internet. after that i decided to drop all my blogs and forums, but i realized: all that is really left after that is e-mail. and i don't really NEED to use my email.

so i have decided to sever my ties with the internet altogether. thats right, no forums, no blogs, no chess, no e-mail, no nothin'. and i'll end up with a BUNCH of time i had no idea existed...

If you have ever considered getting off the internet, DO IT! its going to be AWESOME!



Saturday, December 13, 2008

Of Colton the Great, and his Covert Opperations

Hello, i'm Charlie Q with channel 9 Toe Witness News, here to inform you that our dearly beloved Colton (AardvarkManiac) is away on a top secret mission. Thusly, he will not be able to post or be active here until his mission is completed. The good news is that i'll be here to meet all your insanity needs. *yay!*

I cannot tell you what this top secret assignment is all about, unfortunately. i was told specifically that i was NOT allowed to inform you that Colton is at the North Pole, and i'm also Not allowed to tell you that he is stealing the secrets of Flying Reindeer Technology.

Thanks for watching channel 9 Toe Witness News, i'm Charlie Q, and i'll be keeping you up to date on this developing story.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

so we have before us two questions. questions that need answering.

Ponderer posed this one: "If octopus pluralized is actually octopodes, then is platypus pluralized actually platypodes? And does this mean there's a bunch of poor confused platyp(-uses, -i, -odes) out there?"

well, ponderer, your question really strikes a heart-string with me and colton. you see when we were infants, me and colton were raised by a platypus colony. to be honest, rather than platypodes or any of those you suggested, they prefer the term platypusinators. and they think the word platypus is singularly offensive. they prefer, platypusinator. but they understand cultural differences, so they won't hassle you if you get it wrong. but you will probably be accepted as one of their own if you walk up to one and call him, the Great Magnificent Platypusinator! unless it is in fact a female platypus, in which case you're toast. you have to call them Magnificent Queen Platypusinator. i hope that clears things up.

Amber (who i'm not precisely sure who this is but i have a hunch its AJ, correct me if i'm wrong) asked us: "I was at the dentist today, and and wondering why the friendly hygienists always seem to ask you questions and try to make conversation with you as they are sticking pointy objects in your mouth, under your tongue, and halfway down your throat."

well, its simple, Bill Cosby gave us the answer in his dentist routine, they do this so that they can laugh at you. i mean, its the highlight of their day. the only other thing they do is stick pointy objects in your mouth...